(Always) Going The Distance

At this point in my life, I think I might as well consider myself a veteran in moving away, but I can never get used to leaving people behind.

Moving abroad was to be expected from someone who was taking up Nursing in the Philippines; it is everyone’s dream to move abroad in the hopes of having a better future some place else.

In 2014, I migrated to the US to be with my mom. I cried my eyes out when it was time for me to leave my dad, brother and Monchee. I took my precious time packing twenty-five years of my life into two boxes, I think I didn’t even start packing ’til about two days before my departure. And then when I arrived in the US, it took me months before I could unpack. Took me months to get adjusted to the big change, I would literally cry (in silence) almost every night because I was having a hard time settling in for many reasons, one being that the last time I was in the US (before migrating) was when my brother passed away. It was really tough because everytime I closed my eyes, I am immediately brought back to the moment where I heard my mom sobbing, and ultimately telling me that Kuya is gone. The flashbacks were incessant and relentless, nothing short of torturous.

It took me a while before I felt comfortable calling US my new home. The US was all I knew for six years. In the beginning, I thought this was my end game – I thought I’d be settling down here, just because everyone thinks so highly of the US and how this place provides “greener pastures”, the greenest of all the greener pastures. But you know, I also realized that the grass is greener where you water it. I’m lucky enough to be presented with another option – Australia.

Monchee moved to Australia four months after I moved to the US. Even then, I just assumed he was going to move here with me because you know, everyone wants to live in the US. But it was very selfish of me to assume that without asking him first, without talking about it first. Eventually, better opportunities for him came pouring down in Australia – better than what I had. It didn’t take me too long to shift my plans and be the one to move to Australia instead. I was not pressured into making this decision. Monchee would always tell me that it is my decision, he has his opinions, but it is still my decision to make. I had already set my mind to it years ahead, so I had enough time to digest this decision and get myself ready somehow. It was a decision we both made because it was practical. My goal has always been geared towards my growth as a person, and eventually my growth as a partner to Monchee as well. This may sound weird, but I believe that moving away from each other was the best thing that ever happened to us as a couple because it allowed us to grow as individuals which, I can proudly say, helped us grow as a couple too. We’ve been apart for six years now, and as of this writing, I am two days away from flying out to Australia and staying with him for good. We’ve done enough growing for ourselves, it’s time for us to grow as a couple TOGETHER now. This is the right time for both of us.

I’m moving away again. This time I’m moving away from my mom. As much as I am excited to start my life with Monchee, there is no denying that I am feeling sad and guilty to leave my mom behind. I am fortunate enough to have a mom that’s very supportive of this big girl decision I made. I’m Filipino, I am going to be my mom’s baby no matter how old I get and that’s just how it is. That said, it means a lot to me that she’s given me freedom to fly on my own now. I asked her a couple of times if she’s going to be okay, and without flinching, she always says that she will be. But I know her, I know she just doesn’t want to show sadness because she wants me to flourish without feeling guilty about leaving her. I felt the need to explain to her why I’m choosing to move away rather than have him move here, and again, it because I want to grow. I want to be more independent. I want to learn new things by myself without having my parents cushion the blow for me if and when I fail.

This decision hasn’t been easy, it may have been planted a couple of years in advance but now that it’s actually happening, I find myself drowning in an ocean of emotions I cannot even begin to describe – I’m happy, excited, sad, anxious, scared shitless, guilty… I think I’m going to throw up. It’s still so surreal to me. This, by far, is the first adult decision I have made for myself. Most of the things I’ve done in my life weren’t my decision, most of them were just handed to me. I’m spoiled like that.

I think that’s just how it’s going to be for me, I’m always going to have a long-distance relationship with people I love and care about. Thankfully, I’ve had enough practice in the last six years.

This is life, and my life begins now. This is going to be a whole new world for me. New adventures. New challenges. New learnings. New everything. In the end, I am going to be the better version of myself because of this big decision I made and that is something I will be proud of when I look back.

To Monchee,

My love, thank you so much for being so supportive and understanding of the sea of emotions I’ve been feeling lately. Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for navigating this life with me. I’m excited to be with you, and to start our lives together. I am so proud of the person you’ve become. I have witnessed how you’ve grown into the beautiful man that you are now. I may be older than you but it seems as though I have learned so much more about life through you, and I continue to learn still. I am excited for what the future holds for us. I trust that I am in good hands with you, without a doubt. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and for both of us. Thank you for always reassuring me that you will take care of me. I am just so excited to be with you for good now. I feel more of myself when I’m with you. You make me the happiest I could ever be, love. Lastly, I am excited to be your Mrs. Yuson. ♥️ I love you so much.

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